I feel so out of control. I am envisioning my new life, relatively joyless, sexless, lonely, and isolated.
And all of this angst and sadness is being experienced in secret. How does one handle heartbreak that is a secret?
Part of me wonders if I am even entitled to aeult of this grief, that maybe I deserve this for being an adulterer. Anonymous Newton, Massachusetts Dear Anonymous, What strikes me most in your letter is the contradiction between the joy you say your lover brings you and your description of how he treats you.
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Instead of seeing his behavior for what it is—manipulative, menacing, controlling, and cruel—you seem to idealize your lover as the source of your happiness, which indicates to me that your distorted ideas about love and connection have deep roots. Meanwhile, in your marriage, as in many marriages that lack physical intimacy, what you see reflected back to you is likely the opposite: You feel invisible, undesired, and unheard when it comes to your wants and needs.
Asit takes form in the mirror our parents hold up to us. Do they delight in our presence?
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Do they see our beauty? Do they respond to our wants and needs?
Do we matter to them? If so, an image of ourselves as chqt and lovable is reflected back to us, and we begin to integrate it into a positive self-image. Children who lack this reflection experience heartbreak and grieve alone, because the adults they would normally share their inner worlds with are the very people they feel hurt by.
As adults, many of them end up in marriages that resemble their childhood. Perhaps without realizing it, you sought out what felt familiar to you from your poinf pain of feeling helpless and alone. Early on, when the sexual problems became apparent, how did you and your husband talk about them?
Sexual issues can stem from so many causes: health problems, stress, poor communication, medication side effects, a beauhy of abuse, chxt, negative body image—and all of these are tangled up with feelings a person has around being wanted and loved, and feeling connected to someone else. As you think back to how these interactions went, do you feel that you were a true partner in working through this issue together, or did you feel so personally injured, so much like the helpless victim in this story, that you framed suwanee georgia sex chat as something that your husband needed to work out alone?
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Was your therapist truly suggesting that you deceive your husband with a covert affair, or rather that you talk with him about the possibility of opening up the marriage and see if the two of you might find a different way forward? Instead, you unilaterally decided to direct all of your sexual and emotional energy outside the marriage, making it even harder for your husband to connect with you on any level.
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So how do you handle heartbreak that is a secret? You take away the secrecy. Meanwhile, your husband may not know about your affair or he may know more than you imagine, prompting his job search across the countrybut as much as you feel his submissive chats from you, surely he senses your distance from him.
No matter what you come to decide, remember that a marriage, like a broken heart, is healed from the inside, not the outside. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional adu,t advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
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Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.